Wren Rewrites: The Worst Romance Scene (Or the Worst I Could Make It)

As you many know, I am vehemently against romance in books. Sure, it can spice things up at times, but I hate the instalove and love triangles of YA fiction. It's, simply put, blegh. 
So I decided to write my own little romantic scene. No, it's not a lemon or a lime. (But it does hint at the you-know-what, but that's YA for you. The you-know-what scenes galore. All censored, of course.) It's going to be cheesy and fluffy and make-you-want-to-barf-y. 
Don't think I'm mocking all the books with romance in them or the authors who wrote them. I'm mocking the idea people have of romance in general. So please don't be offended. Anyways, my stories end up with a lot of romance even if I don't try to add it in. (And I do try to make them have no romance. Sigh.) 
So enjoy! (Plus, I gave sassy commentary throughout.) 

Cat stood there, gazing out into the burning sunset. She sighed pathetically (because she has to be pathetic) as she waited for her love (one of two) to arrive. Alex rode up on a horse (of course, it's a horse.) He flashed his love a grin.
"Oh, Alex," she gushed. She threw herself at his stocky build and wrapped her arms lovingly around his chest. "You're so manly," she gushed (even more.) He smiled, his white teeth blinding anyone within a fifteen feet radius. He pressed his thin and always-moist (haha, moist) lips to her creamy, pale forehead. (Because...cream?) 
"My love, alas, it has been too long," Alex said (because he's Shakespearean!) He clutched her to his chest, sniffing her hair (like a creeper.) 
"Oh, my dear, it has been," she replied (even though they saw each other two hours ago. Clingy much?) 
Alex kissed the tip of her snubby nose and nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck. 
Cat heard a loud whistle and jumped away from Alex. A frown pressed itself onto his lips. 
"What is wrong, my love?" he asked, glancing over his shoulder.
"No!" Cat cried, smashing her lips into his.
Alex relaxed slightly and started to run his hands up her sides. She melted (into a puddle of chocolate.)
A loud crash sounded behind them. Once again, Cat sprang away from Alex. His frown reappeared. 
"My love?" he asked, eyeing her suspiciously. (Because she's a dirty, dirty cheater!) "What is wrong?"
"Nothing, my love," she replied, patting his cheeks gently with a gloved hand. "Nothing." She slowly removed her gloves, and Alex took the hint. "Now? But I just arrived, my love," Alex said. Cat smiled coyly. "There's no time like the present," she replied. A playful smirk crossed her lips. Alex grinned broadly, again blinding everyone within a fifteen feet radius (including Cat, so she's like...blind right now.) Cat nodded, blinking blearily. Alex yanked off his shirt, showing off a ripped stomach (that Cat can't appreciate since she's blinded.) He rubbed his washboard stomach and mumbled something. Cat blinked away the last of the sparks and leaned forwards. "In the barn," she whispered, brushing her lips against his ear. Alex's eyes widened. "Such a devilish girl," he replied, nibbling on her earlobe. She giggled and jumped down from her perch as Alex urged his horse on wards (because horsing around. Get it?) The milky steed neighed in disgust as it was led into the stables (smart horse.) Alex hopped down and smiled. 
"One moment," Cat said, "I have to get something." Alex smiled. "Don't worry. I brought it," he replied, yanking out the something. Cat blushed, appreciating his forethought. 
"But I must do something," she said. "A lady's thing." (Aka she's going to cheat on you!) She winked slyly as Alex hooted. He slapped his thighs gently and nodded. "One must do what one must," he said. "Go on." He urged her forwards with his hand motions. "I'll be waiting for you." Cat grinned. "I do appreciate this, love," she said, pressing a rough kiss to his lips. "I'll be back."
Cat dashed off, leaving Alex with a lump in his pants (mhm) and a smile on his lips.

Cat slipped off her woolen dress and dropped it by the floor. She wandered through the house, trying to find him. She slowly approached the master bedroom and pressed the door open. 
He sat inside, smiling at her with a box of chocolates on his lap. 
"Hello, darling," he said in a British accent (because accents.) He got up and placed the chocolates on the dresser. "How are you?"
"I'm good," she said hurriedly, tugging at the hem of her shirt. "You?" 
Brad smiled warmly (like the Sun) at her and nodded. "I'm good," he said. He patted the bed. "Come. Sit." He smiled even more warmly. Cat sat down and immediately mashed her face into Brad's. Brad didn't hesitate as he locked lips with her, slipping his tongue down her throat. Brad tugged a lock of hair, and Cat yelped in alarm. 
"Cat!" 
Alex appeared in the doorway. He gaped at the sight. Cat had her hand wound in Brad's hair. Brad was cradling her to his chest. 
"But, my dear!" Alex cried, aghast. 
Cat blushed, looking at the floor. "Alex," she murmured.
"You know this hellion?" Brad asked, getting to his feet. He glanced at the girl. Cat didn't reply. 
Alex brushed off invisible specks on his pants and shook his head. "I'm very disappointed in you," he said. Brad nodded in agreement. 
"It's a very naughty thing to do," Brad said. 
"Will you punish me?" Cat asked tentatively. She hated punishments. 
"No," Alex replied. He looked at Brad. "I think we should leave." Brad nodded in agreement (because agreeing twice makes things nice!) He held out his hand to Alex. "Shall we?" Brad asked with his accent thick. Alex nodded. "We shall." He took Brad's hand, and they vacated the room, leaving Cat to wail and cry at their backs. 

(And I'm cutting to the chase here.) 
In the end, Cat gained an STD from Brad and became pregnant with Alex's child. She ended up in a hospital alone with twins. Neither boy came back because they were enjoying their honeymoon in Italy happily married.
The end. 

And this is why I don't like romance.

Wren Rewrites: 'The Cage'

If the Cage was Alice in Wonderland

The first thought that went through her mind was Where am I? The girl with blond hair neatly pinned underneath a ponytail holder slowly sat up. The landscape wasn't recognizable. There was no one around.
What's going on?
Her eyes drifted towards the water. Salty air kissed her cheeks. She frowned. She hadn't been near water in a long time. She slowly scooched away, soggy sand staining her outfit.
Cora looked down at her ensemble. Not something she would typically wear. A thin tank. An odd pair of uncomfortable pants.
She squirmed before rising to her feet.
A flash of red in the current caught her eye. She turned her attention to that. "Hey," she called out to the person. "Hey, where are we? Who are you? I'm Cora. Who are you?" She slowly apporached the floater, water lapping at her ankles. "Hey..." she said slowly. "Hey!"
That's when she realized what the crimson was.
She shrieked in alarm, darting back.
"Get away from the water," a gruff masculine voice said from behind her. She whirled around, baring her teeth in anger.
"What?" she hissed, nails out and prepared to kill.
The male donning a silky blue shirt stared at her. As if she was the weirdo.
"What are you trying to do?" he asked, stretching his arms above his head. The shirt lifted a few inches, exposing a toned stomach. Cora blushed, looking away. He yawned softly.
"Where am I?" Cora demanded.
"Where else?" the male replied.
"Who are you?"
"I am a person."
"Where are my old clothes?"
"Where would they be?"
She growled in frustration, and the person smirked at her.
"I'm Lucky, nice to meet you, Alice," he finally introduced.
"Alice?" Cora exclaimed. "My name is not Alice, dimwit. It's Cora."
"Ah, Alice, you're always lost." Lucky shook his head, tsking at her. "The Hatter's waiting for you, though. Better hurry, little pretty." He gestured at the wooded area behind him. "He doesn't like lateness."
Cora shuffled out of the surf, but she paused. "What about...her?" she asked tentatively, gesturing at the floating body behind her. Lucky just shrugged. "A minor detail. Now, scooch!" He waved a tan hand at her and stepped back into the shadows.
Cora growled in annoyance before steeling her resolve and heading into the woods.

"S-She's co-coming," a meek voice said.
"Why, she's always late," another replied.
"She's always late. Off with her head!" one shrieked.
"My my, Queeny, do calm down."
Cora pushed her way through the leafy greens and emerged into a clearing. She froze, seeing the eclectic mix of people before her. An imposing man in a top hat sat at the head of the table. Discards cups and treats were strewn about across the table. A shy-looking male was nibbling on a wafer. A girl with angry eyes was standing, and a male to her side was patting his hair. Another girl clad in white smirked at Cora.
"Look who has finally arrived," the girl in white said sarcastically.
"And it's nice to see you again," the male next to the angry girl added.
The top hat man smiled kindly.
"How nice of you to join us," he said. "Alice."
Cora gritted her teeth. "I'm not Alice," she cried in annoyance. "Stop saying that. It's getting on my nerves."
"Oh? Is it?" the angry girl said. She strode towards Cora, gripping the other girl's chin. "You don't look special. Are you special?" Cora spluttered in confusion at the sudden question, but the other girl had sat down and was sipping something from a cracked teacup before she could answer.
The top hat man gestured at an empty seat. "Come. Sit. We have some rules to discuss. And people to introduce."
Cora glanced at the ratty chair before strutting over and sitting down. She grasped the chair's arms tightly.
"Oof. Not so tight," a voice said from underneath her bottom. Cora shrieked and jumped out of her seat. A serene face stared at her from the seat cushion.
"Do sit, Alice," the chair said. "We're waiting."
The top hat man cleared his throat.
"Introductions!" he declared, clapping his hands together.
The angry girl stood up. "Mali.."
The male next to her smirked. "Leon."
The shy boy slowly waved hello. "Rolf."
The one who wore white smirked even more. "Nok."
The top hat man nodded curtly. "I'm your Caretaker. Welcome to the Cage."
Cora frowned. "What? What Cage? Where am I?" she demanded, leaning forwards.
"The Cage," the top hat man said, waving one hand. "It's the Cage. Did no one tell you?" He sighed, rubbing his temples. "Lucky Lucky Lucky! Where are you? Little rascal he is. I'll say!"
"Coming, asshole," a disembodied voice replied. A face appeared in the edge of Cora's vision, and she stiffened. It was that boy from the beach. She gritted her teeth.
"Am I supposed to know more?" she hissed.
"Of course," the Caretaker said. "Always. Sometimes. Maybe?"
"Just tell her," Mali hissed, tossing her crimson locks back.
"Calm down, Queeny," Nok replied, petting a baby pig's snout. "It's not you we're here for. It's Alice."
"Again, not Alice. Cora," Cora corrected.
"Same thing," Nok sniffed.
Lucky sat down on the edge of the table, picking up a rotting scone. "Mmm. Delicious," he said, popping it into his mouth. Bile rose in Cora's throat. "That's sick," she grumbled. Lucky shrugged before jumping off the table and wandering around the others.
"Now, time to tell you the rules," the Caretaker said.
"Is no one going to explain?" Cora cried, looking exasperated.
The Caretaker tsked at her, shaking his head. "Hush, Alice." He grinned at the others. "There are three rules you have to follow. Only three. Lucky you! One. Solve the puzzles. And eat cake! Because cake is good. But that's not the second rule. Two is to be healthy! Eat and seek pleasure! And rule three," he said, taking a pause. "Pro...cre...ate!"
"What?" Cora cried in alarm.
The Caretaker beamed at her.
Cora scowled, resisting the urge to flip the bird at him.
Nok started to stare at Rolf, and Leon ran a hand through his messy hair, his armor clanking.
"Well," the Caretaker said. He grabbed the edges of the table cloth and yanked it from underneath the dishes. The silverware clattered to the floor; the plates broke and spewed porcelain all over.
Cora shrieked in alarm.
"And here is your bed," the Caretaker said. "Enjoy." He winked before placing a hand on his hip and fading out of existence. Cora stared at where the Caretaker had been. Where had he gone?
Lucky cleared his throat, snapping Cora back into reality. Rolf and Nok were shedding clothes. Nok looked unabashed; Rolf looked woozy and was swaying. Leon had taken off his battle armor, and Mali was messing with her crown.
"Well," Lucky said, "get one with it." He gestured at her skimy clothes. Cora threw an arm over her chest. "What are you implying we do?" she hissed. Lucky smiled, a dimple taunting her. "Procreation," he replied calmly. "Rule three."
Cora's eyes widened, and she turned away from the spectacle. "I am, in no way, having sex with any of you. So bugger off!" She stomped off into the woods, leaving the now-naked Nok and Rolf to enjoy their third rule.

Thank you for reading another installment of Wren Rewrites. In case you didn't get the who's who, I'll give you the list.

Cassian/Caretaker: Mad Hatter (Because why not?)
Cora: Alice
Leon: The Knave of Hearts (Fighter)
Rolf: The White Rabbit (Timid and shy. And twitchy.)
Nok: The Duchess (Changing personality)
Lucky: The Caterpillar (Guiding her and being with her. Her being Alice.)
Mali: The Red Queen (Crazy!!!)

I kinda rushed this one so yeah. Also, I wrote this idea when I finished The Cage. I wrote this fan fic after I finished it. So my mind was a bit fuzzy.
Thanks for reading, though!

Wren Rewrites: 'An Ember in the Ashes'

Shoujo manga is typically the cutesy, big-eyed manga you think of when 'manga' appears in your mind. I thought it'd be hilarious to cast the AEITA characters are stereotypical shoujo manga characters.
Enjoy!

If AEITA was a Shoujo Manga

Laia:
The Innocent New Girl in Town
This girl is typically the innocent one. She's cute and naive. She doesn't know about the world. She's inexperienced. The entire story is about her figuring out the world. Laia exactly.
Examples: Heroine from Amnesia, Tohru from Fruits Basket, Yui from Diabolik Lovers (Also, any of those otome games turned anime/manga count.)

Elias:
The Tough Guy
Elias would definitely be the tough guy. He's the one who doesn't take no for answers. He is strong in mental and physical aspects. And never backs down.
Examples: Suzaku from Code Geass, Shizuo Durarara!!!, Sebastian from Kuroshitsuji

Helene:
The Ruthless Girl
This girl is typically without emotions. If so, she never shows them.
Examples: Black Rock Shooter from Black Rock Shooter, Misaki from Maid Sama, Ririchiyo from Inu x Boku SS

Commandant:
The Probably-Insane Girl
I know the Commandant isn't a girl. Most adults don't get good roles in manga/anime. (Remember Maka's dad? Whoa..)
Examples: Our beloved Mirai Nikki character Yuno Gasai

Wren Rewrites: The Stars Never Rise

When I started The Stars Never Rise, I actually thought Finn and Maddock were the same person. (Until you were told otherwise.) Like dissociative identity disorder aka multiple personality disorder. I decided to write a little fan fiction about if TSNR had Maddock and Finn as the same person. (And it fits with Wren Rewrites too!)
Enjoy!

If Finn and Maddock were the same person

"Hey, stop kissing my boyfriend!" the girl yelled. I jumped back in alarm. She took one look at Finn and scowled. "It's you," she hissed in anger. She crossed her arms over her chest. "Give me back Maddock." Finn frowned. "It's not like I can control it, Devi," he explained. The girl Devi just glared at him.
"Can someone please explain what's going on?" I asked. I turned my attention to Finn. "Just explain," I begged.
"You didn't tell her?" Devi questioned. "Finn!"
"Sorry, there just wasn't time," Finn explained, flapping his hand about.
"You had time to lock lips, though?" Devi shrieked.
Finn rolled his eyes. "You always have time to make-out with Maddock," he muttered. Devi flipped him off casually.
"Someone please explain," I complained.
Devi pointed at Finn. "Let him," she said simply before turning and leaving the two of us alone. Finn smiled weakly.
"So," I said, "explain."
"Well...it's not that easy," Finn said, stalling for time.
I grabbed his shoulder tightly. "Finn." I stared into his eyes. "Tell me." Finn gulped nervously and raked a hand through his hair.
"Well," he began, "there's this thing. It's called dissociative identity disorder. Some people call it...multiple personality disorder."
"So?" I asked. "What does that have--oh." Understanding filled my mind.
Finn and Maddock were the same person.
Finn smiled sheepishly. "Sorry...sorry," he said. "I meant to tell you earlier, but I couldn't." He sighed in defeat and shrugged.
Suddenly, his focus shifted away from me. "Finn?" I asked, leaning in. Finn glanced at me.
"Uh...who are you?" he asked.
"Maddy!"
Devi raced into my line of sight. She threw her arms around Finn. I stumbled back in confusion. Devi smashed her face into Finn's, kissing passionately.
"What happened? Where's Finn? What are you doing?" I demanded.
Devi turned to me and smirked. "Maddy's back," she said in a singsongy voice.
"Who is 'Maddy'?" I cried, throwing my arms into the air.

"So," I said, "how does it work?" Grayson shrugged.
"There's no rhyme or reason," she explained. "It just happens. We've gotten used to it."
"Finn and Maddock are the same person." She nodded. "And they switch?" She nodded again. I groaned softly. "And I don't know when they will change." Grayson smiled sadly.
"That sucks," I said.
"Yup," she said. "It sucks."
I glanced at the bathroom where Devi and Finn-who-isn't-Finn went. And he kissed me with those lips... I shivered.
"Is there a way to stop it?" I asked.
"We've tried a lot of things. Finn and Maddock too," Grayson replied.
"Are there other personalities I need to know?" I asked.
Grayson bit her lower lip. "Well..." she began. I groaned again. "There's my boyfriend," she finished. I bit my lower lip. "Is he dating everyone?" I cried, sounding aghast. Grayson shrugged weakly. "He kinda is and kinda isn't. It's not Finn dating Devi. It's Maddock. And my boyfriend is someone else entirely." Grayson shrugged. "You get used to it." I gritted my teeth.
"I don't know if I can."

Finn-Maddock-and-whoever-else stepped out of the bathroom with only a towel on. Devi bounced past him and into the kitchen. I stared at the boy in front of me. His lean body. His boyish looks. I inhaled sharply. He was gorgeous. He smiled at me.
"How are you?" he asked.
"Finn?" I gasped. He grinned cockily at me.
I crossed my arms over my chest.
"You...you fooled me," I said.
"I didn't," he replied coolly. "I just didn't tell you."
"You're with two other girls," I cried.
Finn frowned. "Not me," he corrected. "Their boyfriends." I scowled and shook my head.
"Same difference."
"Nina, I'm not Maddock or Chase. Okay? I'm me. I'm Finn. You have to acknowledge the difference."
"I can't." I turned my back on Finn. Finn made a noise before striding off. I hugged my torso, tears welling up in my eyes. Finn wasn't Finn. He was someone else.