Wren Rewrites: The Worst Romance Scene (Or the Worst I Could Make It)

Friday, October 9, 2015
As you many know, I am vehemently against romance in books. Sure, it can spice things up at times, but I hate the instalove and love triangles of YA fiction. It's, simply put, blegh. 
So I decided to write my own little romantic scene. No, it's not a lemon or a lime. (But it does hint at the you-know-what, but that's YA for you. The you-know-what scenes galore. All censored, of course.) It's going to be cheesy and fluffy and make-you-want-to-barf-y. 
Don't think I'm mocking all the books with romance in them or the authors who wrote them. I'm mocking the idea people have of romance in general. So please don't be offended. Anyways, my stories end up with a lot of romance even if I don't try to add it in. (And I do try to make them have no romance. Sigh.) 
So enjoy! (Plus, I gave sassy commentary throughout.) 

Cat stood there, gazing out into the burning sunset. She sighed pathetically (because she has to be pathetic) as she waited for her love (one of two) to arrive. Alex rode up on a horse (of course, it's a horse.) He flashed his love a grin.
"Oh, Alex," she gushed. She threw herself at his stocky build and wrapped her arms lovingly around his chest. "You're so manly," she gushed (even more.) He smiled, his white teeth blinding anyone within a fifteen feet radius. He pressed his thin and always-moist (haha, moist) lips to her creamy, pale forehead. (Because...cream?) 
"My love, alas, it has been too long," Alex said (because he's Shakespearean!) He clutched her to his chest, sniffing her hair (like a creeper.) 
"Oh, my dear, it has been," she replied (even though they saw each other two hours ago. Clingy much?) 
Alex kissed the tip of her snubby nose and nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck. 
Cat heard a loud whistle and jumped away from Alex. A frown pressed itself onto his lips. 
"What is wrong, my love?" he asked, glancing over his shoulder.
"No!" Cat cried, smashing her lips into his.
Alex relaxed slightly and started to run his hands up her sides. She melted (into a puddle of chocolate.)
A loud crash sounded behind them. Once again, Cat sprang away from Alex. His frown reappeared. 
"My love?" he asked, eyeing her suspiciously. (Because she's a dirty, dirty cheater!) "What is wrong?"
"Nothing, my love," she replied, patting his cheeks gently with a gloved hand. "Nothing." She slowly removed her gloves, and Alex took the hint. "Now? But I just arrived, my love," Alex said. Cat smiled coyly. "There's no time like the present," she replied. A playful smirk crossed her lips. Alex grinned broadly, again blinding everyone within a fifteen feet radius (including Cat, so she's like...blind right now.) Cat nodded, blinking blearily. Alex yanked off his shirt, showing off a ripped stomach (that Cat can't appreciate since she's blinded.) He rubbed his washboard stomach and mumbled something. Cat blinked away the last of the sparks and leaned forwards. "In the barn," she whispered, brushing her lips against his ear. Alex's eyes widened. "Such a devilish girl," he replied, nibbling on her earlobe. She giggled and jumped down from her perch as Alex urged his horse on wards (because horsing around. Get it?) The milky steed neighed in disgust as it was led into the stables (smart horse.) Alex hopped down and smiled. 
"One moment," Cat said, "I have to get something." Alex smiled. "Don't worry. I brought it," he replied, yanking out the something. Cat blushed, appreciating his forethought. 
"But I must do something," she said. "A lady's thing." (Aka she's going to cheat on you!) She winked slyly as Alex hooted. He slapped his thighs gently and nodded. "One must do what one must," he said. "Go on." He urged her forwards with his hand motions. "I'll be waiting for you." Cat grinned. "I do appreciate this, love," she said, pressing a rough kiss to his lips. "I'll be back."
Cat dashed off, leaving Alex with a lump in his pants (mhm) and a smile on his lips.

Cat slipped off her woolen dress and dropped it by the floor. She wandered through the house, trying to find him. She slowly approached the master bedroom and pressed the door open. 
He sat inside, smiling at her with a box of chocolates on his lap. 
"Hello, darling," he said in a British accent (because accents.) He got up and placed the chocolates on the dresser. "How are you?"
"I'm good," she said hurriedly, tugging at the hem of her shirt. "You?" 
Brad smiled warmly (like the Sun) at her and nodded. "I'm good," he said. He patted the bed. "Come. Sit." He smiled even more warmly. Cat sat down and immediately mashed her face into Brad's. Brad didn't hesitate as he locked lips with her, slipping his tongue down her throat. Brad tugged a lock of hair, and Cat yelped in alarm. 
Alex appeared in the doorway. He gaped at the sight. Cat had her hand wound in Brad's hair. Brad was cradling her to his chest. 
"But, my dear!" Alex cried, aghast. 
Cat blushed, looking at the floor. "Alex," she murmured.
"You know this hellion?" Brad asked, getting to his feet. He glanced at the girl. Cat didn't reply. 
Alex brushed off invisible specks on his pants and shook his head. "I'm very disappointed in you," he said. Brad nodded in agreement. 
"It's a very naughty thing to do," Brad said. 
"Will you punish me?" Cat asked tentatively. She hated punishments. 
"No," Alex replied. He looked at Brad. "I think we should leave." Brad nodded in agreement (because agreeing twice makes things nice!) He held out his hand to Alex. "Shall we?" Brad asked with his accent thick. Alex nodded. "We shall." He took Brad's hand, and they vacated the room, leaving Cat to wail and cry at their backs. 

(And I'm cutting to the chase here.) 
In the end, Cat gained an STD from Brad and became pregnant with Alex's child. She ended up in a hospital alone with twins. Neither boy came back because they were enjoying their honeymoon in Italy happily married.
The end. 

And this is why I don't like romance.

1 comment :

  1. Wren, this is perfect! It really had me cracking up, because this is exactly what some YA romance books are like! I try to avoid romance as well, but it can be hard (almost every book seems to have at least a little romance in). It's glad to know someone dislikes it as much as me!

    ~Denise @ The Bibliolater